A Case of Mistaken Identity

A lot of the time I’m totally content, absolutely LOVE and couldn’t ask for a better title than mom. But sometimes I think “Man….who am I?” I used to spend hours, probably an embarrassing amount of hours, watching tv. Relaxing. Literally not moving off of my couch for an entire day. Ok I would move but only to eat, use the bathroom or because my side had gone numb and I needed to rotate. Haha. I would sleep over 8 hours a night and would wake up “so exhausted” (can I go back and slap my pre-baby self, please?). I would come home at a decent hour from parties and refuse to stay the night places because oh my goodness, I can’t possibly function on less than 6 hours of sleep!

Sorry, I fell out of my chair laughing. Seriously though. Who was I kidding?! Exhaustion is recovering from delivering a tiny human, sleeping MAYBE 3 hours at a time, but more than likely less than that. Sometimes much less. Exhaustion is staying up all night because your baby has RSV and you’re terrified they will stop breathing if you aren’t watching them. Exhaustion is not remembering the last time you got 6 hours, much less 8, of sleep straight through the night. Exhaustion is feeding your baby, falling asleep in the chair, at 3 am watching George Lopez. I wish SO badly I could go back to my previous self and tell myself to shut up. You are not tired. You have NO idea what is waiting for you. But go ahead, complain about how tired you are. Skip out on things because you’re afraid of how you can’t function without sleep(you can. And you do it a lot. Because you don’t have the choice.)

But I also want to go back to that self. My pre-baby, pre-exhausted, selfish self. I would NOT trade Lily for anything. Please don’t misunderstand. But what I wouldn’t give to go back to that. Because even now, if I get a few hours without Lily(Thank God to the best mother and father ever for helping out so much) I spend the time away from her thinking about what I should be doing around the house. Or thinking about what she’s doing. If she’s having fun. If she needs a bottle. Did I remember to tell mom she has a diaper rash? They weren’t kidding when they said “being a parent is a 24/7 job”. Even at work you think about them. I’m even with her all day and think about her haha. When they nap you think about what you need to do while they are asleep. There is not an hour that goes by that she’s not on my mind.

Sometimes I think God got it wrong. I wasn’t cut out for this motherhood thing. Sure, I’m good with kids. But I’m also incredibly selfish. I love and thrive on “me time”. I NEED to have quiet to recharge. What was God thinking giving me a child? Am I cut out for this role? It was a case of mistaken identity, wasn’t it? I knew it! I feel like I’ll get to heaven one day(hopefully, haha) and God will be like “Jennifer, my apologies, I screwed up and gave you a child. You did alright, all things considered” hahaha.

I need to stress this….I love Lily with everything I have. And I can’t imagine going back to life before her. I just want some sleep, some peace and quiet and some me time. After all, isn’t that what we all want?

Jenn